Screenwriter Jokes (edited by Alan C. Baird, 9TimeZones.com coauthor)

More humor: Lawyer (Snifter, Flute & Stein), Agent, Theater, Novelist/Other

Auto erotica: SIG alerts (background, definition), CHP accident reports,
lane closures, road warnings/speed traps (avoiding, tickets, fighting), Botts' dots

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An L.A. screenwriter is driving out in the
country, when he stops his car beside a big
field, and takes a walk through the grass.
Finding an abandoned well, he looks down in it,
but can't see the bottom - so he picks up a
pebble, and throws it in. He listens, but can't
hear anything - so he sees a rock, and throws
that in. He still can't hear anything, so now he
looks around for something bigger. Walking a
short distance into the tall grass, he finds a
cinder block, carries it back to the well, and
heaves it in. While he's waiting for it to land,
a goat comes tearing out of the field and dives
headfirst into the well.


The writer is flabbergasted. He can't believe
what he just saw. He's still standing there,
dumbfounded, when a farmer walks out of the field
and asks, "Hey, did you see a goat around here?"


The writer replies, "Yeah, strangest thing. I was
standing here, looking down this well, when a
goat ran out of the field and dove right in."


The farmer scratches his head and says, "Wow, I
wonder how he got loose? I had him tied to a
cinder block."


***


A screenwriter is walking along the shore, and
finds a bottle. When he opens it, a genie appears
and thanks the guy for letting him out. The genie
announces, "For your kindness, I will grant you
one wish, but only one!"


The writer thinks for a minute and says, "I've
always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm afraid of
flying and I get seasick on boats. So I wish for
a road to be built from here to Hawaii."


The genie reflects on this for awhile and finally
says, "I don't believe I can do it. Consider all
the work involved... the pilings needed to hold
up the highway would have to be incredibly long,
just to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of
the massive amounts of material that would
require! No, it's way too much to ask."


The writer ponders again, and says, "Well, I've
always wanted to understand women, too - I wish
for you to explain them."


Without hesitation, the genie replies, "So, do
you want two lanes or four?"


***


A screenwriter goes into his doctor's office with
a carrot in one ear, a radish in the other ear,
and a banana jammed up his nose. He asks, "Hey,
Doc - what's wrong with me?"


The physician replies, "You're not eating right."


***


How do you know when a blond screenwriter's been
using your computer?


The monitor's all blotchy with White-Out.


***


How do you keep a blond screenwriter busy all
day?


Give him a package of M&M's and say, "Start
alphabetizing!"


***


A screenwriter suspected that it was raining, but
when he extended his hand outside the apartment
window to check, a glass eye fell into his
outstretched palm. He looked up to see where it
came from, and noticed a young lady looking down.


He asked, "Is this yours?"


She replied, "Yes, could you bring it up?" - so
he agreed. Upon his arrival, she was profuse in
her thanks, and offered the writer a drink. Since
she was very attractive, he accepted. Shortly
afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty... would you care to join me?"
Again, he welcomed her suggestion, and they both
enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing
to a close, the woman said, "I've had a marvelous
time. Would you like to spend the night?"


The writer thought for a moment, then hesitantly
inquired, "Do you act like this with every man
you meet?"


"No," she responded, "Only with those who catch
my eye."


***


Two development execs meet in the hallway. One
says, "Hey, what's cooking?" The second one,
extremely excited, replies, "I just bought this
script. It's the most perfect piece of writing
I've ever seen. Characters, story, EVERYTHING
about it is A-number-one. Academy award time."


"That's fantastic," says the first one, dripping
with envy. "So when do you go into production?"


"As soon as I get the rewrite."


***


Did you hear that several aspiring screenwriters
were murdered in Battle Creek? Police are now
investigating the bizarre string of homicides...
each victim was left floating in a tub full o'
milk, so the chief detective suspects a cereal
killer.


***


An agitated screenwriter is stomping around his
psychiatrist's office, running trembling hands
through his hair, almost in tears.


"Doc, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my
wife's name. Can't remember my kid's names. Can't
remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember
what script I'm supposed to be working on. It was
all I could do to find my way here!"


"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"


"Like what?"


***


"An actor is a schmuck.
 A screenwriter is a schmuck with an Underwood."
- Jack Warner, 1947


***


HOLLYWOOD FILM CREDITS ASSESSMENT:


When gaffers get together on the weekend, the
conversation turns to football.


When screenwriters gather, they discuss tennis.


Directors talk about golf.


Conclusion: the bigger your credits, the smaller
your balls.


***


A screenwriter receives a parrot for his
birthday. The bird is fully grown, with a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every
other word out of his beak is an expletive. The
writer tries hard to change the parrot's
behavior: he says polite words, plays soft music,
anything he can think up, to set a good example.
Nothing works.


He yells at the bird, and the bird yells back. He
shakes the bird, but the bird just becomes more
angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of
desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments, he hears the bird squawk,
swear, and scream. Suddenly, there's a deathly
quiet. The guy's frightened, thinking he might
have injured the bird, so he quickly opens the
freezer door. The parrot calmly steps out onto
the writer's extended arm, and says, "I believe
I've offended you with my rude language and
behavior. I will endeavor at once to correct this
problem. I am truly sorry, and beg your
forgiveness."


The writer is astonished at the bird's dramatic
change in attitude, but before he can say
anything, the parrot continues, "Might I ask what
the chicken did?"


***


A henpecked screenwriter was advised by his
psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have
to let your wife bully you," the doctor said. "Go
home and show her you're the boss."


The writer decided to take the shrink's advice,
so he went home, slammed the door, shook his fist
in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on,
you're taking orders from me. I want my supper
immediately, and when you get it on the table,
run upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I'm
going out with the boys, but you're going to stay
at home where you belong. Another thing - do you
know who's gonna tie my bow tie?"


"I certainly do," his wife said calmly. "The
undertaker."


***


A screenwriter dies, and is allowed to choose
between an eternity in Heaven or Hell, after
St. Peter shows him both. In Hell, he sees rows
of writers chained to desks in a room hotter than
a thousand suns. As they work, their fingers are
singed by fire, and demons whip them with chains.
Next, he sees Heaven: rows of writers chained to
desks in a room hotter than a thousand suns. As
they work, their fingers are singed by fire, and
demons whip them with chains. Plus, it smells
like an outhouse. The screenwriter's curious,
"What gives, Pete? These are worse conditions
than Hell!" St. Peter replies, "Yeah, but the
work gets produced, and there's no rewriting."


***


The screenwriter of a Frank Capra comedy was
watching a TV interview with the great director.
An awestruck female reporter was heaping
truckloads of praise on a passage from the
writer's script, and Frank explained the scene's
charm by saying, "That's the Capra touch." The
reporter went on and on, gushing about various
parts of many other Capra movies. In each case,
the director's comment was, "That's the Capra
touch."


The writer couldn't take it anymore, so he loaded
120 blank sheets of paper between two card stock
covers, and impaled this "screenplay" with brads.
He mailed the package to Frank, along with a
note: "Put the Capra touch to THIS."


***


Did you hear about the ambitious starlet who had
no clue?


She slept with the screenwriter.


***


A screenwriting guru enters the lecture hall, and
starts his seminar with the basics: "Sometimes,
using two negative words can indicate a positive
meaning, but a double positive NEVER replaces a
negative."


From way in the back of the hall, a cynical voice
pipes up, "Yeah. Right."


***


Here's a two-parter:


How many development execs does it take to change
a light bulb?


A: One, but does it have to be a light bulb?


How many screenwriters does it take to change a
light bulb?


A: One, but why do you want to change the
#&@%* light bulb?!


***


THE RULES OF SCREENWRITING:


During all police investigations, it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to
waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
loaf of French bread or bunch of celery that
sticks out the top of a full bag.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you
down.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even
while scuba diving.


The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of
looking for you in there, and you can travel to
any other part of the building without
difficulty.


If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition, even if you weren't
carrying any before now.


You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war, unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language - a German accent will do.


If your town is threatened by an imminent natural
disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in
Paris.


A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.


If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.


Most dogs are immortal.


If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.


When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet
as you take out a bill - just grab one at random
and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.


Interbreeding is genetically possible with
creatures from anywhere in the universe.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering
a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge
door and use that light instead.


Word processors never display a cursor on screen,
but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles
for their families every morning, even though
their husbands and children never have time to
eat.


Cars which crash will almost always burst into
flames.


The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the
job.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of the Astrodome.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt
upright and pant.


It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when
beginning or ending phone conversations.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road,
it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.


It is always possible to park directly outside
the building you're visiting.


If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any alien
civilization.


When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to
the head, they will never suffer a concussion or
brain damage, and nobody involved in a car chase,
hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien
invasion will ever go into shock.


Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a
paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a
burning building with a child trapped inside.


Police Departments give their officers
personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their
total opposite.


When they're alone, all foreigners prefer to
speak English among themselves.


You can always find a chain saw when you need
one.


An electric fence which is powerful enough to
kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to
an eight-year-old child.


Television news bulletins usually contain a story
that affects you personally at that precise
moment, and it's never necessary to listen to the
complete bulletin.


It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
They'll dance around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.


***


How does a Buddhist screenwriter order a hot dog?


"Make me one with everything."


***


A screenwriter and his wife made their initial
doctor visit prior to the birth of their first
child. After everything checked out, the
physician took out a small kit, and stamped the
wife's abdomen with indelible ink.


When the couple arrived back home, the writer was
curious, so he dug out his magnifying glass to
view the tiny stamp. In minuscule letters, the
following message appeared: "When you can read
this with the naked eye, make another
appointment."


***


The screenwriter got off the elevator at the
40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind
date's door. When she opened it, she was as
beautiful and charming as promised.


"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why
don't you play with Fido while you're waiting? He
does wonderful tricks: rolling over, shaking
hands, sitting up... and if you make a hoop with
your arms, he'll jump through."


The dog followed the writer onto the balcony and
started rolling over. The guy made a hoop with
his arms and Fido jumped through - right over the
balcony railing. A moment later, the young lady
returned, and asked, "Isn't Fido the cutest,
happiest dog you've ever seen?"


"To be honest," the writer said, "I think Fido
was a little depressed."


***


On December 24, a screenwriter was horrified when
he just sneaked a peek inside his Xmas stocking,
only to discover a Chia Pet - shaped like Venus
de Milo's bottom half...


***


Two successful screenwriting partners, newly
settled into their Montana ranches, are hunting
for the cougar that's been killing their dogs.
They stake out an area of the woods near their
fields, and wait. After awhile, sure enough, here
comes the cougar. When it's close enough, they
both jump up and shoot it at the same instant.


However, they can't tell which bullet actually
bagged the trophy, so when the cougar is stuffed,
they decide to share the credit, and take turns
displaying the magnificent animal. However, this
plan proves unworkable after a few years, when
their partnership falls apart. So they settle on
dividing the stuffed cougar in two, and flipping
a coin to see who gets what. Shane loses, and
receives a mounted trophy of the big cat's rear
end.


So even though shooting the cougar was a great
sporting experience, Shane ended up with nothing
but a catastrophe.


***


Did you hear about the screenwriter who jumped
out the window on the 15th floor? He could have
gone to the 16th, but that's another story.


***


A woman holding a baby gets on a bus, and the
driver says, "That's the ugliest child I've ever
seen."


In a huff, the woman slams her coins into the
fare box and takes an aisle seat at rear of the
bus, next to a screenwriter. He senses that she's
agitated, and asks what's wrong. "The bus driver
insulted me," she fumes.


The writer sympathizes: "Why, he's a public
servant! He shouldn't be insulting passengers."


"You're right," she says. "I think I'll go back
up there and give him a piece of my mind."


"That's a good idea," the writer replies. "Here,
let me hold your monkey."