Agent Jokes

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A couple of screenwriters are enjoying a junket
on ICM's cabin cruiser, when their agent falls
overboard. Before anything can be done, an
enormous shark approaches to within six feet of
the agent, but suddenly veers off in another
direction. The young writer exclaims, "Did you
see what just happened? That's an act of God!"
The older writer replies, "Nah, it was just
professional courtesy."


***


An L.A. agent is driving his Mercedes down a
deserted Mojave highway, and notices a sign which
reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -
10 MILES.


He thinks it's a figment of his imagination, and
drives on. But soon, he sees another: SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.


Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on,
and sure enough, there's a third: SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.


The agent's curiosity gets the best of him, and
he pulls into the driveway. Beside the parking
lot sits a somber stone building with a sign on
the door: SISTERS OF MERCY.


He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door
is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who
asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"


"I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing some business," he
answers.


"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the
nun.


He is led through many winding passages, and soon
he's very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed
door, and just before she leaves, she tells him,
"Please knock on this door."


The agent does as he's told, and this door is
opened by another nun in a long black habit,
holding a tin cup. This nun says, "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden
door at the end of this hallway."


After placing his money in the nun's tin cup, he
trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through
the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks
behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:


GO IN PEACE. YOU'VE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF MERCY.


***


An agent goes ice fishing with his new
screenwriter client. While they're sitting around
a hole in the ice, a hungry polar bear starts
charging them from a half-mile away. The agent
immediately pulls off his ice boots and starts
putting on a pair of tennis sneakers. The writer
screams, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar
bear, his top speed is 40 miles an hour!" The
agent calmly replies, "I don't have to outrun
him - I just have to outrun you!"


***


Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps,
while California got all the agents?


New Jersey had first pick.


***


A screenwriter returns home after a long
evening's work of waiting tables, only to find
his house a pile of smoldering rubble. Policemen
and firemen poke grimly through the remains. The
writer leaps out of his car and runs over to a
detective. "Oh God! My house! What happened?
Where are my wife and children?"


The cop says, "I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid your
agent came to your house, slaughtered your
family, burned your home to the ground, and then
danced on the rubble in hobnailed boots."


The writer looks at the detective, excited, and
says, "My agent came to my house?"


***


Just before Christmas, an honest agent, a kind
studio exec and Santa Claus were riding up in the
elevator of the Beverly Hills Hotel. When the
doors opened, they all noticed a twenty dollar
bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?


Santa, of course - the other two don't exist!


***


How many agents does it take to screw in a
light bulb?


A1: Sorry, we're not screwing in any new light
bulbs anymore. But have you considered turning
your light bulb into maybe... a candle?


A2: Oh yes, I screwed in your light bulb, but I
haven't had a chance to turn it on yet. I'll get
to it as soon as possible. It's just that we're
already sitting under too much light.


A3: Loved your light bulb. Great light. Lots of
illumination. Unfortunately, the agency's decided
to remain in the dark indefinitely.


***


A minister, a doctor, and a literary agent are
all playing golf. As they approach the third tee,
they notice that the foursome in front of them is
playing very slowly. These guys are helping each
other line up their putts, they all stand around
while each other hits, and they're generally
taking far too long to play golf.


By the time the minister, doctor, and agent make
the turn, they've had enough, and complain to the
ranger about the slow play. Patiently, the ranger
reveals that the foursome is a team of blind
firemen who lost their vision while entering a
burning house to save an entire family, and their
eyes were singed. "We let them play for free," he
explains, and asks the group to be understanding.


The minister feels terrible, and insists, "I'll
offer a prayer for each of them and their
families."


The doctor says, "I'm going to give them free
medical treatment for their bravery."


The agent screams, "CAN'T THEY PLAY AT NIGHT?"


***


Two old screenwriters and their ancient agent are
comparing ailments in the doctor's waiting room:
"With me, it's the bladder," says one writer, "I
wake up at 7 in the morning, and all I can manage
is a dribble." The second writer chimes in, "My
bowels are shot. I wake up at 8, only to sit on
the toilet, straining and pushing, with no
result." The agent shrugs: "Every morning at 7, I
piss like a racehorse, and at 8, I crap like a
pig." Responding to their puzzled looks, he
confides, "I don't wake up 'til noon."


***


A Hollywood agent, a Brooklyn lawyer and a used
car salesman from Peoria are gathered around a
coffin containing the body of an old screenwriter
friend. One of the three says, "In my family, we
have a custom of giving the dead some money, so
they'll have it to spend on the other side." They
all agree that this is appropriate, so the car
salesman drops a hundred dollar bill into the
casket, and the lawyer does the same. The agent
takes out the bills, and writes a check for $300.


***


After just a few years of marriage filled with
constant arguments, a young agent and his wife
decide that counseling is the only way to save
their relationship. They had been at each other's
throats for quite some time, and felt this was
their last chance.


When they arrive at the therapist's office, the
doctor jumps right in, and opens the floor for
discussion: "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the wife begins talking ninety miles
an hour, describing all the problems in their
marriage. In contrast, her husband puts his head
in his hands, and remains silent.


After fifteen minutes of listening to the wife,
the therapist walks over to her, picks her up by
the shoulders, kisses her passionately, and sits
her back down. The wife is speechless.


The marriage counselor looks over at the agent,
who stares in disbelief. The doctor says to him,
"Your wife NEEDS that, at least twice a week!"


The agent scratches his head and replies,
"Okey-doke. I can have her here on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."


***


The crusty old literary agent finally passed
away, but his agency kept getting calls asking to
speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the
standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who
fielded the calls began to realize it was always
the same voice, so she asked who it was and why
he kept calling.


The reply: "I was one of his screenwriters, and I
just like to hear you say it."


***


What's the difference between a vampire bat
and a William Morris agent?


One is a fearless, evil, bloodsucking monster,
and the other is a small, harmless, mouse-like
creature with wings.


***


What's the difference between a bantam rooster
and an ICM agent?


A rooster clucks defiance.


***


What's the difference between a pit bull and a
CAA agent?


Jewelry.


***


The beloved mohel is getting older, and his hands
are not as steady as they once were. For a man
who performs the "bris" (Jewish circumcision
ceremony), this is pretty serious, and he's
having trouble getting insurance. Finally, his
agent contacts him with the good news: "We've
gotten you a great policy, with only one rider!"
"What's that?" asks the mohel. The agent replies,
"A one-inch deductible..."


***


A hotshot literary agent went hunting in the
mountains with his insurance salesman and
stockbroker, but their car broke down on the
return trip. While hiking back to civilization,
they came across a very small farm house, and
asked to use the phone. The local towing company
couldn't do anything until the next day, but the
farmer graciously offered them overnight
accommodations, explaining that there was only
enough room for two extra guests in the house.
Unfortunately, one of them would have to sleep in
the barn, which had not been cleaned in years.
The stockbroker said, "No problem, I was raised
on a farm, and I'm used to those kinds of
things."


Everyone went to bed, but fifteen minutes later,
there was a knock at the door. The stockbroker
was on the step, complaining, "Nothing on our
farm ever smelled like that." So the insurance
salesman said, "When I was a kid, I worked at a
slaughterhouse. You can't believe the horrible
stuff that was produced there." He went out to
the barn, and everybody went back to sleep.


Fifteen minutes later, there was another knock at
the door. The insurance salesman stood outside,
and said, "Nothing in the slaughterhouse was as
bad as that barn." The agent shook his head and
said, "You bunch of wimps, I'll sleep out there."


Fifteen minutes later, there's a third knock at
the door. It's the barn animals.


***


An agent and his wife went to the hospital to
have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine
which would transfer a portion of the mother's
labor pain to the father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out, and they were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even this small percentage was probably more pain
than the agent had ever experienced before. But
as the labor progressed, the agent felt OK, and
asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a
notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to
20% pain transfer. The agent was still feeling
fine.


The doctor checked the guy's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At this
point they decided to try for 50%. The agent
continued to feel quite comfortable. Since the
pain transfer was obviously helping his wife
considerably, the agent encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually
no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.


When they got home, the mailman was dead on the
porch.