Attorney Jokes From Snifter, Flute & Stein

Site Navigation: Home · Heaven & Hell · Ethics · Your Jokes

Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey had first pick.

Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: You take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What's invisible and lies in the gutter?
A: A lawyer with the shit kicked out of him.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A1: You can't.
A2: If you can, it's because the vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.
A3: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A4: The lawyer is the one carrying the briefcase.
A5: People are swerving to miss the skunk.

Q: What do you call two attorneys up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do you call a bus full of attorneys going over a cliff with two empty seats?
A: A good start.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A: Cats keep covering them up with sand.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: If there are 100 attorneys drowning, what do you have?
A: Not enough attorneys.

Q: "You're a high-priced lawyer - if I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
A: "Absolutely - what's the second question?"

Q: "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?"
A: "Sure - where do you think attorneys come from?"

Q: How can you tell if an attorney is lying?
A: It's when his lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and an attorney?
A: Both of them screw you, but the attorney gets paid twice as much to do it...

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer, silly.

Q: What's a Godfather's idea of something better than ten attorneys in a trash can?
A: One attorney in ten trash cans.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: When you stick a knife in an onion, you cry.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and an attorney?
A: One's a mud-sucking, slime-eating bottom feeder, and the other's a fish.

Q: Why was the lawyer so concerned when he found shit on his shoes?
A: He thought he was melting.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Several reasons: First, they're more plentiful than rats; second, the researchers don't get as attached to them; and third, there are certain things that even rats won't do. One problem, though - no-one's been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Q: If you had a gun with only two bullets, and were placed in a room with Saddam Hussein, Muammar Khaddafi and a lawyer, what would be the most patriotic move?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Then shoot him again just to make sure.