Attorney Jokes From Snifter, Flute & Stein

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A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

It's been so cold in New York recently that several lawyers were spotted walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

A young man struck up a conversation with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening, and the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally, on the fourth night, the bartender, who had overheard the dentist's efforts, took him aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Dewey Cheatham & Howe. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment, he thought, "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and I'm already screwing someone."

The judge admonished the witness: "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A lawyer took his client ice fishing. While they were sitting around the hole in the ice, a polar bear, with a hungry look in his eye, started charging them from a half-mile off. The lawyer immediately pulled off his ice boots and started putting on a pair of tennis sneakers. The client said, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar bear, their top speed is 40 miles an hour!" The lawyer calmly replied, "I don't have to outrun him - I just have to outrun you!"

Two lawyers were negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. End of discussion.

A patient goes to see a surgeon about having a heart transplant. The surgeon says: "I'll give you a choice: you can either have the heart of 25-year-old marathon runner or a 60-year-old lawyer. Which do you want?" The patient answers, "Easy - let me have the lawyer's." The surgeon, dumbfounded, says, "Why would you pick the heart of a 60-year-old lawyer over a 25-year-old marathon runner?" The patient replies, "I want one that's never been used."

A lawyer is defined as someone who makes sure he gets what's coming to you.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." The attorney said, "I'll take it."

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."

A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said, "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor, "We have more than enough clerks." With that, the lawyer got upset, jumped to his feet and walked toward the door, shouting, "To work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing S.O.B. anyway!" "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."

A lawyer invited his Czechoslovakian friend to visit his summer house in the backwoods of Maine. Early one morning, while they were out picking berries, two huge bears attacked. The lawyer escaped, but his friend was swallowed whole by the male bear. The lawyer quickly ran back to the house, and called the local sheriff. When the lawyer and the sheriff returned to the berry patch, the two bears were still there, and they began to hope that they might still save the friend. "He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff, however, took careful aim and shot the female. "Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said it was the other bear!" The sheriff replied, "Exactly, but nobody believes a lawyer who says the Czech's in the male."

Two attorneys are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman. The one attorney turns to the other and says, "My god, would I like to screw her!" The other attorney gives him a puzzled look and says, "Out of what?"

An attorney and a bunch of other passengers are on a boat in dangerous waters and the attorney falls overboard. Before anyone can do anything, a giant shark comes swimming up; but when the shark is 6 feet away, it veers off in another direction. One of the passengers says, "Did you see that, did you see what just happened? It's an act of God!" Another passenger answers, "That wasn't an act of God, it was professional courtesy."

Diogenes set about to search for an honest lawyer. After some time, a passer-by asked, "How is your quest going?" "Not too bad," he replied, "I still have my lantern."