by
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
[return
to synopses]
"Steven Spielberg Kicks Some Serious Butt"
a short script by
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
Registered WGAw
© 2007 Anikó J. Bartos &
Alan C. Baird
e: HotTip [at] Gmail.com
w: www.9TimeZones.com
FADE IN:
INT. EMPTY «ON THE LOT» SET @ FOX - NIGHT
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Burnett, I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.
MARK BURNETT
Me? You seemed more than willing,
at the time.
SPIELBERG
Don't smartmouth me! I'm
SPIELBERG, dammit! Do you know
what that means?
BURNETT
(cautiously)
I think I do, yes.
SPIELBERG
I have enormous power in this
industry. More than you could ever
imagine.
BURNETT
With all due respect, I'm the guy
who taught Donald Trump how to say
(points finger): "You're fired!"
I'm the guy who got America hooked
on watching people eat bugs. And
I'm the groundbreaking British
television producer who paved the
way for Steve Carell and The
Office. That was a British sitcom
first, you know.
SPIELBERG
I do now. So we can also blame you
for The 40 Year Old Virgin and Evan
Almighty? You've debased American
culture, Burnett. You've turned
this country into a land of
melonheads. You've made us all
believe we're dumber than 5th
graders.
BURNETT
Well, YOU were the one who came to
me with this silly-ass
film-school-geek idea. I remember
you whining: "Just make it work,
Mark. Just make it work." But
everybody knows the only people who
watch film-school-geek programs
are... film school geeks! Hello?
Didn't you people learn anything
from Project Greenlight?!
SPIELBERG
(quietly advancing)
There you go again, Burnett.
You're smartmouthing me. Again.
Do you know that I could have your
head shaved?
BURNETT
(backing away)
You wouldn't.
SPIELBERG
Then I could have a portrait of
Martha Stewart tattooed on your
naked skull.
BURNETT
You're bluffing.
SPIELBERG
I could even force you to eat a
bug. In fact, let's see you gobble
up that cockroach, over there.
BURNETT
Steven, please.
SPIELBERG
I'm SPIELBERG, dammit!
BURNETT
(quickly puts
cockroach in mouth,
chews)
And you're a VERY powerful man.
SPIELBERG
(mollified)
Okay, that's better. Now, how do
we fix this ratings disaster?
BURNETT
I knew you'd ask that question, so
I took the liberty of bringing in
someone who can help (points toward
closed door).
SPIELBERG
(looks at door, now
opening)
George? George Lucas?!
GEORGE LUCAS
Hi, Steven. Mark asked me to fly
down from Skywalker Ranch. And I
brought some things to fix this
show of yours (points to the box in
his hand).
SPIELBERG
YOU want to fix MY show? But I'm
SPIELBERG, dammit!
LUCAS
And I'm LUCAS, dammit!!
SPIELBERG
Okay, okay. Don't get bent out of
shape. YOU can boost these low
ratings?
LUCAS
Sure, take a look (opens the box
and pulls out two lightsaber
handles, attached by a chain).
SPIELBERG
What are those?
LUCAS
Lightsaber numchucks. And check
this out (puts on brass knuckles,
with tiny lightsaber handles glued
to each knuckle).
SPIELBERG
Lightsaber brass knuckles?
LUCAS
Now you're getting the idea. But
I've saved the best for last (pulls
out switchblade knife, which snaps
open to reveal... you guessed it:
a small lightsaber handle).
SPIELBERG
Hey, that's cute! Kate could use
one of those, to peel potatoes. Do
any of these things actually work?
LUCAS
Steven. They're LIGHTSABERS.
SPIELBERG
Oh. Right.
LUCAS
But if you flail them around, while
simultaneously making a loud
buzzing noise with your mouth (he
demonstrates), Star Wars fans will
never know the difference.
SPIELBERG
And the ratio of Star Wars fans to
the general population...
LUCAS/SPIELBERG
(together)
...averages ninety-three percent!
SPIELBERG
Hm. So you really think
lightsabers will make this show
successful?
LUCAS
Hey, they've always worked for me.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLES, WITH CASH REGISTER "KA-CHING" SFX:
STAR WARS 4 (1977): $797,900,000
STAR WARS 5 (1980): $533,800,000
STAR WARS 6 (1983): $572,700,000
STAR WARS 1 (1999): $922,379,000
STAR WARS 2 (2002): $648,200,000
STAR WARS 3 (2005): $848,462,555
THE END