"Steven Spielberg Kicks Some Serious Butt" - 4-page script

by Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird   [return to synopses]

              "Steven Spielberg Kicks Some Serious Butt"

                         a short script by

                  Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird

                                    Registered WGAw
                                    © 2007 Anikó J. Bartos &
                                      Alan C. Baird
                                    e: HotTip [at] Gmail.com
                                    w: www.9TimeZones.com

FADE IN: INT. EMPTY «ON THE LOT» SET @ FOX - NIGHT STEVEN SPIELBERG Burnett, I can't believe I let you talk me into this. MARK BURNETT Me? You seemed more than willing, at the time. SPIELBERG Don't smartmouth me! I'm SPIELBERG, dammit! Do you know what that means? BURNETT (cautiously) I think I do, yes. SPIELBERG I have enormous power in this industry. More than you could ever imagine. BURNETT With all due respect, I'm the guy who taught Donald Trump how to say (points finger): "You're fired!" I'm the guy who got America hooked on watching people eat bugs. And I'm the groundbreaking British television producer who paved the way for Steve Carell and The Office. That was a British sitcom first, you know. SPIELBERG I do now. So we can also blame you for The 40 Year Old Virgin and Evan Almighty? You've debased American culture, Burnett. You've turned this country into a land of melonheads. You've made us all believe we're dumber than 5th graders. BURNETT Well, YOU were the one who came to me with this silly-ass film-school-geek idea. I remember you whining: "Just make it work, Mark. Just make it work." But everybody knows the only people who watch film-school-geek programs are... film school geeks! Hello? Didn't you people learn anything from Project Greenlight?! SPIELBERG (quietly advancing) There you go again, Burnett. You're smartmouthing me. Again. Do you know that I could have your head shaved? BURNETT (backing away) You wouldn't. SPIELBERG Then I could have a portrait of Martha Stewart tattooed on your naked skull. BURNETT You're bluffing. SPIELBERG I could even force you to eat a bug. In fact, let's see you gobble up that cockroach, over there. BURNETT Steven, please. SPIELBERG I'm SPIELBERG, dammit! BURNETT (quickly puts cockroach in mouth, chews) And you're a VERY powerful man. SPIELBERG (mollified) Okay, that's better. Now, how do we fix this ratings disaster? BURNETT I knew you'd ask that question, so I took the liberty of bringing in someone who can help (points toward closed door). SPIELBERG (looks at door, now opening) George? George Lucas?! GEORGE LUCAS Hi, Steven. Mark asked me to fly down from Skywalker Ranch. And I brought some things to fix this show of yours (points to the box in his hand). SPIELBERG YOU want to fix MY show? But I'm SPIELBERG, dammit! LUCAS And I'm LUCAS, dammit!! SPIELBERG Okay, okay. Don't get bent out of shape. YOU can boost these low ratings? LUCAS Sure, take a look (opens the box and pulls out two lightsaber handles, attached by a chain). SPIELBERG What are those? LUCAS Lightsaber numchucks. And check this out (puts on brass knuckles, with tiny lightsaber handles glued to each knuckle). SPIELBERG Lightsaber brass knuckles? LUCAS Now you're getting the idea. But I've saved the best for last (pulls out switchblade knife, which snaps open to reveal... you guessed it: a small lightsaber handle). SPIELBERG Hey, that's cute! Kate could use one of those, to peel potatoes. Do any of these things actually work? LUCAS Steven. They're LIGHTSABERS. SPIELBERG Oh. Right. LUCAS But if you flail them around, while simultaneously making a loud buzzing noise with your mouth (he demonstrates), Star Wars fans will never know the difference. SPIELBERG And the ratio of Star Wars fans to the general population... LUCAS/SPIELBERG (together) ...averages ninety-three percent! SPIELBERG Hm. So you really think lightsabers will make this show successful? LUCAS Hey, they've always worked for me. SUPERIMPOSE TITLES, WITH CASH REGISTER "KA-CHING" SFX: STAR WARS 4 (1977): $797,900,000 STAR WARS 5 (1980): $533,800,000 STAR WARS 6 (1983): $572,700,000 STAR WARS 1 (1999): $922,379,000 STAR WARS 2 (2002): $648,200,000 STAR WARS 3 (2005): $848,462,555 THE END

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