Alan C. Baird: Lights! Camera! Blog!
[ blog archived from http://community.thelot.com/blogs/acbaird @ On The Lot ]
by acbaird from Mesa·AZ·USA·Earth


Zach Lipovsky wins!
Aug 8, 2007 | 7:00 AM PST
Tags: Zach Lipovsky, OTL, On The Lot

Zach was voted off OTL last night, but ultimately his career will be helped by this move. A winner doesn't want to stick around to the bitter end on a loser show. Now that Zach is free of his OTL commitments, Hollywood will come calling with some exciting opportunities. Mark my words.


America's Next Producer.
Jul 18, 2007 | 11:00 AM PST
Tags: Boston Herald, TV Guide, America's Next Producer

Another film-school-geek show debuts tonight at 8/7c on the TV Guide channel.

First question: what the f*ck is the TV Guide channel?

Second question: why bother watching, when the Boston Herald pans it before the first broadcast?


Overnights for 7/17.
Jul 18, 2007 | 10:31 AM PST
Tags: Ratings, OTL, On The Lot

Ratings from Media Life:

1) America's Got Talent, NBC: 3.0
2) Just for Laughs, ABC: 2.8
3) NCIS, CBS - Repeat: 1.5
4) Amar sin Limites, UNI - Spanish: 1.2
5) On the Lot, FOX: 0.9


iBLEEP. [Alan removed this posting, after the OTL system automatically censored his "iPorn" title and tag]
Jul 9, 2007 | 10:44 AM PST
Tags: iPhone, iBLEEP

iFound a couple of iPhone simulators, and iCouldn't resist playing with them (WARNING: this third/last link is not really worksafe).


Spielberg + Indy 4.
Jul 6, 2007 | 8:21 AM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Richard Schickel, Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones 4

Spielberg On Spielberg, a Richard Schickel film, premieres on TCM this coming Monday (details). FYI, Spielberg was in New Haven, Connecticut earlier this week (story), shooting Indiana Jones 4 (official production diary). Note: Harrison Ford celebrates his 65th birthday next week.


Final cut looming for OTL?
Jul 5, 2007 | 6:01 AM PST
Tags: OTL, On The Lot, wannabes

From The Vancouver Sun ("Final cut could be looming for Spielberg's reality series"):

[E]ven if a handful of [Hollywood] directors have achieved rock-star status, that doesn't mean that a bunch of directing wannabes can be turned into the cinematic equivalent of American Idol, as the current Fox reality series On the Lot painfully demonstrates. [...] Lot has barely registered as a blip on the summer entertainment scene. In part, its failure is one of concept. Performers tend to have big personalities that translate to TV, but most of these aspiring but still insecure directors don't yet have the oversized egos that come with mastering a film set. [...] [W]here the show seems to have gone astray is that it spends most of its time airing the two- to three-minute films the contestants shoot rather than focusing, documentary-style, on the work process itself.


Generic OTL Director Quotes.
Jul 4, 2007 | 7:24 AM PST
Tags: OTL, On The Lot, Script, Comfort Zone

From the OTL Contestant Interview Master Script:

"If the __[prop]__ doesn't work, the film won't work."
"If the audience doesn't __[reaction]__, I haven't done my job."
"Making a __[genre]__ film is WAY outside my comfort zone."


July 4: KA-BOOM!
Jul 3, 2007 | 6:18 AM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, Alan C. Baird, Anikó J. Bartos, Fireworks, Pyrotechnics

Cone Of Concussion

The ten minutes before showtime were surreal: seven of us stood between the double line of mortar tubes, lost in our own thoughts, trying not to stare at each other. Everyone was decked out in safety goggles, blast helmets and flame-retardant Nomex. After sweating all day in the hot sun, we had finally erected a fearsome arsenal of rack-mounted guns, designed to hurl fireworks shells hundreds of feet into the sky. Our audience members were safely ensconced two football fields away, sitting more-or-less comfortably in wooden bleachers and listening to a group of Beach Boys imitators. But we were locked inside a no-man's-land behind two separate sets of chain-link fence, patrolled by a squad of police and firefighters.

For me, this was a dream come true. I was finally getting a chance to step up to the big time of professional pyrotechnics, from the sparklers, roman candles and cherry bombs of my youth.

For Anikó, it was something else entirely... [Continue Reading Cone Of Concussion]


«Zach Lipovsky wins OTL!»
Jul 2, 2007 | 5:59 AM PST
Tags: Zach Lipovsky, OTL, On The Lot, Vancouver, Canada

Every newspaper in Canada will carry a version of that headline above, when the dust finally settles. Vancouver-based Zach has already signed at least one development deal. Do we really need to continue the rest of this competition, just to learn what The Industry already knows?


OTL ratings chart.
Jun 29, 2007 | 6:10 AM PST
Tags: OTL, On The Lot, Ratings, Wikipedia

Source data - Wikipedia (caveat lector):


What's On Adrianna's Lot?
Jun 28, 2007 | 7:51 AM PST
Tags: Adrianna Costa, Review, Blogosphere, Hemlines, OTL, On The Lot

From the echoing blogosphere...

TV Squad sez: "[T]hanks to a somewhat revealing outfit, the studio audience was mere millimeters away from finding out what exactly resided on Adriana [sic] Costa's lot. [...]"

But TWoP seems to have put OTL on Permanent Hiatus. Evidently there's not enough interest to continue publishing recaps.


OTL: «craptacular»?
Jun 27, 2007 | 6:19 AM PST
Tags: OTL, On The Lot, Review, Adrianna Costa, Carrie Fisher, craptacular

Below are some excerpts from the iF Magazine review of last night's show. Yikes.

Dragging this sh** out by just eliminating one contestant each week is like a prolonged root canal. [...]

The addition of Adrianna Costa was smart despite the fact that she fumbles over her lines each and every week. At least she's a hot POA (that's piece of ass to the uninformed) that you can check out while wading through the crap that these people are putting together. [...]

Carrie Fisher is so scatterbrained it hurts me to see her each and every week and I have to close my eyes and think of her in the Jabba bikini to get through her comments each week.


Watch/Read/Interact.
Jun 26, 2007 | 1:42 PM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, On The Lot, OTL, Script, Screenplay, Logline, Contest, Film, Movie, Short, Interactive

[turn on your speakers and click images for details]






Mark Burnett ate a bug.
Jun 24, 2007 | 6:23 PM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, George Lucas, On The Lot, OTL, Script, Screenplay, Contest, Logline, Film, Movie, Short

Thanks for all the private (and public) comments on Steven Spielberg Kicks Some Serious Butt. We looked at our Stats the morning after posting that script and were delighted to see that over two hundred folks had stopped by to check it out! One guy from Francis Ford Coppola's Virtual Studio said he had "always wanted to see what would happen if Mark Burnett ate a bug..."

-Anikó & Alan


I'm SPIELBERG, dammit!
Jun 22, 2007 | 12:22 PM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, George Lucas, On The Lot, OTL, Screenplay, Script, Contest, Logline, Film, Movie, Short

Steven Spielberg Kicks Some Serious Butt
-a short script by:
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird

FADE IN:

INT. EMPTY "ON THE LOT" SET @ FOX - NIGHT

STEVEN SPIELBERG: Burnett, I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

MARK BURNETT: Me? You seemed more than willing, at the time.

SPIELBERG: Don't smartmouth me! I'm SPIELBERG, dammit! Do you know what that means?

BURNETT (cautiously): I think I do, yes.

SPIELBERG: I have enormous power in this industry. More than you could ever imagine.

BURNETT: With all due respect, I'm the guy who taught Donald Trump how to say (points finger): "You're fired!" I'm the guy who got America hooked on watching people eat bugs. And I'm the groundbreaking British television producer who paved the way for Steve Carell and The Office. That was a British sitcom first, you know.

SPIELBERG: I do now. So we can also blame you for The 40 Year Old Virgin and Evan Almighty? You've debased American culture, Burnett. You've turned this country into a land of melonheads. You've made us all believe we're dumber than 5th graders.

BURNETT: Well, YOU were the one who came to me with this silly-ass film-school-geek idea. I remember you whining: "Just make it work, Mark. Just make it work." But everybody knows the only people who watch film-school-geek programs are... film school geeks! Hello? Didn't you people learn anything from Project Greenlight?!

SPIELBERG (quietly advancing): There you go again, Burnett. You're smartmouthing me. Again. Do you know that I could have your head shaved?

BURNETT (backing away): You wouldn't.

SPIELBERG: Then I could have a portrait of Martha Stewart tattooed on your naked skull.

BURNETT: You're bluffing.

SPIELBERG: I could even force you to eat a bug. In fact, let's see you gobble up that cockroach, over there.

BURNETT: Steven, please.

SPIELBERG: I'm SPIELBERG, dammit!

BURNETT (quickly puts cockroach in mouth, chews): And you're a VERY powerful man.

SPIELBERG (mollified): Okay, that's better. Now, how do we fix this ratings disaster?

BURNETT: I knew you'd ask that question, so I took the liberty of bringing in someone who can help (points toward closed door).

SPIELBERG (looks at door, now opening): George? George Lucas?!

GEORGE LUCAS: Hi, Steven. Mark asked me to fly down from Skywalker Ranch. And I brought some things to fix this show of yours (points to the box in his hand).

SPIELBERG: YOU want to fix MY show? But I'm SPIELBERG, dammit!

LUCAS: And I'm LUCAS, dammit!!

SPIELBERG: Okay, okay. Don't get bent out of shape. YOU can boost these low ratings?

LUCAS: Sure, take a look (opens the box and pulls out two lightsaber handles, attached by a chain).

SPIELBERG: What are those?

LUCAS: Lightsaber numchucks. And check this out (puts on brass knuckles, with tiny lightsaber handles glued to each knuckle).

SPIELBERG: Lightsaber brass knuckles?

LUCAS: Now you're getting the idea. But I've saved the best for last (pulls out switchblade knife, which snaps open to reveal... you guessed it: a small lightsaber handle).

SPIELBERG: Hey, that's cute! Kate could use one of those, to peel potatoes. Do any of these things actually work?

LUCAS: Steven. They're LIGHTSABERS.

SPIELBERG: Oh. Right.

LUCAS: But if you flail them around, while simultaneously making a loud buzzing noise with your mouth (he demonstrates), Star Wars fans will never know the difference.

SPIELBERG: And the ratio of Star Wars fans to the general population...

LUCAS/SPIELBERG (together): ...averages ninety-three percent!

SPIELBERG: Hm. So you really think lightsabers will make this show successful?

LUCAS: Hey, they've always worked for me.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLES, WITH CASH REGISTER "KA-CHING" SFX:

STAR WARS 4 (1977): $797,900,000
STAR WARS 5 (1980): $533,800,000
STAR WARS 6 (1983): $572,700,000
STAR WARS 1 (1999): $922,379,000
STAR WARS 2 (2002): $648,200,000
STAR WARS 3 (2005): $848,462,555

THE END


The last few TV appearances.
Jun 21, 2007 | 9:07 AM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, OTL, Film, Television, Logline, Screenplay, Script, Contest, On The Lot

[click images for details]





Buy the book...
Jun 20, 2007 | 8:08 AM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, On The Lot, OTL, Film, Logline, Screenplay, Script, Contest, Book

[click images for details]


...or the 49¢ short...


...or the anthologies...




Tap, tap, tap.
Jun 13, 2007 | 10:57 AM PST
Tags: Steven Spielberg, Mark Burnett, On The Lot, OTL, Film, Logline, Screenplay, Script, Contest

Is this thing on? -ACB [scripts] [Snoozeletter]

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"Well... yes and no."



ABOUT ME

Alan C. Baird enjoys referring to himself in the third person, and was inordinately pleased when ABC-TV's Max Headroom series purchased his debut student film, widely hailed as "the most uncommercial piece of ____ in Michigan State's history." Born down east, he now lives just a stone's throw from Phoenix... which is fine and dandy, until the stones are thrown back.

URL: www.9TimeZones.com/s/otlarc.htm