by
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
[return
to synopses]
"Feelix"
animation script by
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
Registered WGAw
© 2007 Anikó J. Bartos &
Alan C. Baird
e: HotTip [at] Gmail.com
w: www.9TimeZones.com
FADE IN:
INT. FARTMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY
ERIK FARTMAN is a fat cartoon of a boy, wearing
mittens, a heavy coat, and a knitted cap topped with a
pom-pom. He stands in front of the fireplace with
KENNIE, a thin boy who's wearing mittens with a hooded
parka, and STANN, a slimmer version of Fartman.
Resting on the mantle is a familiar-looking trophy
statuette. A thought bubble floats above Kennie's
head: "Is that really an Oskar?"
FARTMAN
Kennie, don't even think that word
without adding a circle-R.
KENNIE
(always muffled)
Mph rmph?
FARTMAN
Oskarrrrrrrrr. You need that
circle-R at the end, or the
Academy's attorneys will put your
nuts in a blender.
STANN
Yikes. Who are those dudes?
FARTMAN
The law firm of Dewey, Cheatham and
Howe. Real assholes.
STANN
So Fartman, is it really a freakin'
Oskarrrrrrrrr?
FARTMAN
No, it's a Feelix, Oskarrrrrrrrr's
tightass roommate. My mom said she
won it in a card game. Fat fuckin'
chance.
STANN
Can we mess around with it?
FARTMAN
Sure, why not?
Fartman offers a boost to Stann, who steps up and grabs
the Feelix statuette off the mantle.
STANN
Dude, it's really heavy. What's
this thing he's holding in front of
his dick?
FARTMAN
A baseball bat. The Academy
lawyers wouldn't let 'em use a
sword, so he got a penis substitute
instead.
STANN
Hey, the arms move!
FARTMAN
Everything moves, Stann. Even the
baseball bat.
Stann pulls the tiny baseball bat from drooping
vertically to erect horizontally, and all three boys
LAUGH at the phallic display.
KENNIE
Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph!
FARTMAN
Yeah, now he's really got a woody!
They CHUCKLE again.
STANN
Hey, I just had a brilliant idea.
The back of my sister's closet has
lots of outfits from her old Barby
dolls...
FARTMAN / KENNIE
(simultaneously)
Yeah! / Mmph!
They rush out the door, with Stann dragging the Feelix
statuette.
INT. STANN'S SISTER'S BEDROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Fartman, Stann and Kennie sit on the floor,
transferring clothes from a Barby doll to the Feelix
trophy. KYYLE walks in. He's also dressed for winter,
with an earflap hat, and he's carrying a phonecam.
KYYLE
Somebody call for a crack
photographer?
Fartman holds up the now-naked Barby doll, with her
legs spread wide open.
FARTMAN
Yeah, take a shot of Barby's fur
taco!
All four boys GIGGLE.
STANN
Hey Kyyle, don't you need some
kinky pictures for your blog?
Kyyle starts shooting photos of the Feelix statuette,
with SHUTTER-CLICK SFX:
MONTAGE
A) CLICK: Feelix looks sporty, in a short skirt and
tight sweater.
B) CLICK: Feelix goes for an after-hours look, with a
flimsy negligee.
C) CLICK: Feelix flaunts his naughty side, with
black-leather dominatrix duds.
FARTMAN
Stann, your sister is a real perv.
STANN
Look who's talking.
All four boys LAUGH, while Stann pulls out a Kenn doll.
KYYLE
Hey, let's see how Kenn likes his
girlfriend's clothes on another
dude.
Fartman pushes the Feelix statuette's butt onto the
Kenn doll's lap. After an audible POP, the Feelix's
mouth opens and its eyebrows rise in surprise.
The boys GIGGLE, and Fartman holds up the two figures,
now stuck together groin-to-butt.
FARTMAN
Hee-hee! The Feelix is a
switch-hitter!
KYYLE
Yeah, that Kenn doll is hung like a
horse.
STANN
Hey, that gives me an idea - I'll
be back in a sec...
Stann runs out of the room, while Fartman grabs the
Feelix by its crotch-mounted baseball bat/phallus, and
swings the two attached figures around his head.
KYYLE / KENNIE
(simultaneously)
Yee-haw! / Mmph-aw!
Stann returns with two claymation-rubber figures:
Gumbie and his horse Pokie.
STANN
Did you dudes know that Gumbie was
into bestiality?
KYYLE
What's "bestiality"?
Stann pushes the rear end of Pokie into Gumbie's lap.
After an audible POP, the horse's mouth opens and its
eyebrows rise in surprise. The boys all LAUGH.
FARTMAN
Hey, let's see if Gumbie can take
it, as well as he dishes it out.
Fartman pushes the Feelix trophy's baseball
bat/phallus against Gumbie's backside. Gumbie's mouth
gets wider and wider, until it nearly covers his entire
face. The POP is anticlimactic.
STANN
Gumbie just changed his name to
Ben.
KYYLE
Ben... Dover?!
The boys all GUFFAW. Then Stann holds up the four
figures - Gumbie is stuck to the back of Pokie, the
Feelix statuette is plastered onto Gumbie's ass, and
the Kenn doll is riding shotgun behind the Feelix.
STANN
I do believe these cowpokes have
been staring at the sheep a bit too
long, up on Brokebutt Mountain.
The boys all LAUGH RAUCOUSLY. Kyyle SNAPS a few more
photos with his phonecam.
FARTMAN
Well, we should probably get this
Feelix trophy back to my house,
before my mom notices and throws a
shitfit.
The boys reluctantly disentangle the figures from each
other; every detachment produces a LOUD POPPING SOUND.
INT. FARTMAN LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER
STANN holds the Feelix statuette, while the four boys
stand in front of the fireplace.
STANN
Hey Fartman, give me a boost!
FARTMAN
Wait a minute, I've got another
idea. Let's go into my mom's
bedroom.
KYYLE
That sounds like a baaaaaad fuckin'
plan.
KENNIE
Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph!
FARTMAN
Naw, she won't be back for a coupla
hours.
He leads the way, down the hall.
INT. FARTMAN MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Fartman opens the bedside table's drawer, and pulls out
a fearsome-looking dildo. Stann puts down the Feelix
trophy, and looks closely at the words stamped on the
dildo's base.
STANN
Steeley Dann?!
FARTMAN
Yeah, my mom treated herself to the
best.
He flips the switch, and the dildo BUZZES crazily.
Then he turns it off and places it on the bedside
table, next to the Feelix statuette.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FARTMAN MASTER BEDROOM - FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
Fartman puts down a screwdriver, and flips a
newly-installed switch on the base of the Feelix
trophy. It BUZZES crazily, and the boys break into
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER. Meanwhile, Kyyle shoots some
footage with his phonecam.
STANN
Hey guys, wait a minute. Did
anybody hear a noise?
They listen to the sound... of the front door CLOSING.
KYYLE
Oh crap, now we're fucked.
What-do-we-do? What-do-we-do?
What-do-we-do?
FARTMAN
Everybody out the window!
The four boys ZOOM over to the bedroom window, and push
each other out of the way, in their frantic attempt to
escape. Luckily, they all get out, and the window
SLAMS shut.
INT. FARTMAN MASTER BEDROOM - NEXT DAY
The four boys are again standing in front of the
bedside table, staring at the disemboweled dildo, next
to the newly-motorized Feelix statuette. Fartman flips
the switch on and off, producing short bursts of
vibratory BUZZING.
STANN
She didn't say anything?
FARTMAN
Not a goddam word.
Kyyle touches the head of the statuette.
KYYLE
Eww, it's sticky.
Fartman opens the drawer, and pulls out a squeeze tube.
FARTMAN
K-Z Jelly. Lubrication for those
*special* moments.
KENNIE
(appalled)
Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph!
KYYLE
I know. I'm grossed out, too.
Fartman touches the statuette near its knees.
FARTMAN
Holy. Fucking. Shit. It's sticky
all the way down. That's gotta be
fourteen inches, at least.
The four boys stand stock-still for a moment, trying to
digest the meaning of this latest tidbit. Suddenly,
Kennie keels over, with a tiny SQUEAK. Stann reaches
down to check his pulse, then cries out in anguish:
STANN
Oh my God, we killed Kennie!
THE END