\\\ BackslasherBlog.com \\\ -
by Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
[return to blog] [return
"\\\ BackslasherBlog.com \\\"
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
© 2012 Anikó J. Bartos &
Alan C. Baird
e: HotTip [at] Gmail.com
INT. SWEATY PALMS PUBLIC LIBRARY CARREL - EVENING
DEREK and MOLLY, two moderately-geeky teenagers, huddle
over a computer keyboard, WHISPERING:
Okay, the contest blog is almost
ready to go. We just need a good
Let's call it BackSplash.
The water that sprays upward, when
you drop a huge turd in the toilet.
Eww. (long pause) I like it.
She begins TYPING and CLICKING the mouse.
Wanna post a sample contest entry?
Maybe your tatt?
Hey! How do you know about that?
Umm, I saw it when you bent over to
pick up some books.
Molly stares at him, hard. Then she stands up and
looks around their carrel. It's almost closing time,
and very few patrons remain in the library. She raises
the back of her teeshirt and lowers her jeans slightly,
exposing the tattoo: a rabbit sliding merrily down
into her butt crack.
Derek can't believe his luck, and scrambles to retrieve
a phonecam from his knapsack. He SNAPS the photo.
What's that address again?
Molly moves the mouse arrow over a link, and points at
the bottom line.
Do it fast. They're closing.
The lights CLICK OFF and ON, several times, while Derek
frantically TYPES the address into his cell phone.
Sending... sending... okay, it
should be blogged.
Molly reloads the webpage and voila! There's her
I wonder if anyone else will enter
this contest... or even see it?
I'll send out a couple of eMails
after I get home.
INT. BOB'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING
The room lights are off. BOB, a severely-geeky
teenager in Mickey Mouse pajamas, nearly drools while
gazing into the cool white glow of his computer screen.
Ooo. Bunny. I liiike bunnies.
After a few moments of staring, Bob gets busy, CLICKING
his mouse and TYPING furiously.
INT. SWEATY PALMS HIGH SCHOOL BATHROOM - NEXT MORNING
JENNIFER, an unusually-buxom teenager, stands in a
closed stall and glances at a computer printout.
Bunny, my ass.
Jennifer yanks down the left side of her spaghetti-
strap top, and covers her nipple with the other hand.
She pulls a phonecam out of her pocket, holds it at
arm's length beside her, and CLICKS a snapshot.
INT. SWEATY PALMS H.S. LIBRARY - LATER THAT MORNING
BILLY stares at one of the school's computer screens,
where the tattoo of a tiger is scratching and clawing
its way up the enormous curved mound of Jennifer's left
breast. JIM walks by, behind Billy, then backs up to
peer over Billy's shoulder. The two students ogle:
I liiike tigers.
INT. SWEATY PALMS H.S. LOCKER ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON
SUSIE, a willowy student, sits in front of her open
locker, looking at a printout of the tiger tattoo. She
folds it, as the OTHER GIRLS in her gym class begin to
drift back into the locker room, GOSSIPING and drying
themselves with towels. JILL CALLS OUT:
Better hurry up, Susie. You don't
want to be late for Social Studies.
This might be the day Billy stops
The other girls LAUGH with Jill, and Susie joins the
Jill, you look a little parboiled.
Jill is genuinely worried and examines her body
The other girls GIGGLE again. Susie strips off her gym
duds, reaches into her locker for an object that she
wraps in her towel, then heads for the showers.
Once inside, Susie makes sure she's alone, then opens
up a phonecam. She holds it out in front of her waist
and SNAPS a photo.
Tiger, my ass.
INT. BILLY'S FAMILY ROOM - THAT EVENING
Billy and his football TEAMMATES (including SAM) stare
silently at Billy's computer screen, awestruck. The
upper left quadrant of Susie's pubic hair has been
shaved off at a precise right angle, revealing the
tattoo of a cat with a lawnmower, cutting the rest.
Ooo. P... p... p... kitty. I
liiike p... p... p... kitties.
INT. SWEATY PALMS PUBLIC LIBRARY CARREL - MINUTES LATER
Derek and Molly huddle over a computer keyboard, mouths
Wow. 10 entries in 24 hours.
And 632 hits. I think we may be
onto something. (worried) Does
anyone know we're behind this?
Nope. I bounced the eMails off a
remailer in Amsterdam. We're
totally anonymous. And our
They're protected, too. I disabled
the IP tracking feature.
Hey, that tattoo can't be real.
It looks like a stick-on. But this
...is too ugly to be fake.
They SNICKER, until the OTHER PATRONS begin to SHUSH
Wow! That guy has a great set of
But the stupid dickwad just HAD to
call more attention to his muscles.
What kind of idiot tattoos a half-
dozen Budweiser cans onto his
A six-pack on his six-pack! Funny.
He'll be laughing a different tune,
when his Budweiser turns into a big
fat beer belly.
Derek, you're envious!
Nah. I could have a body like
Maybe, if you did five hundred
situps a day.
I'm a busy guy. I don't have time
for that kind of silliness.
Of course you don't, Pudgy-Wudgy.
Molly tickles his stomach. Derek instinctively draws
away, but clearly wants to soak up more of her
touching. To cover his confusion, Derek points at
another photo on the computer screen.
This guy says his tiny house-fly
tattoo grows into a gigantic
horsefly, under the right
How does it do that?
Ya got me. Hm. Look at all those
What part of the body...?
Oh, I get it. That's a closeup of
his... umm... thingie.
The other patrons SHUSH them again.
INT. SWEATY PALMS STARBUCKS - CONTINUOUS
A pack of TEENAGERS surround Jim's laptop computer,
CHUCKLING at the same house-fly tattoo.
"Horsefly," eh? I'll bet it's more
like a mosquito.
Trouser Trout is back on the menu!
(fake deep voice)
Stay tuned for fresh new adventures
of the Purple-Veined Avenger...
GALES OF ADOLESCENT LAUGHTER greet each new attempt at
INT. DARKENED ROOM - CONTINUOUS
A shadowy FIGURE looks at the same house-fly tattoo on
another computer screen, while slicing a carrot with a
razor-sharp hunting knife and CACKLING hideously.
INT. SWEATY PALMS H.S. CLASSROOM - NEXT DAY
MR. HECKMAN, a young teacher, lectures to his STUDENTS:
Twenty years ago, little Susie
Cheerleader would have written her
private thoughts inside a locked
Hey! That's obscene!
Oh - sorry, Susie - I didn't know
you were a cheerleader.
I'm not. That's why linking my
name with those bobble-heads is
Most of the students LAUGH, but 3 GIRLS try to OBJECT.
Okay, okay, my bad. I was just
trying to say that if the typical
1980s teenager suddenly discovered
that her younger brother had found
the key to her diary, she would
have thrown a fit. Fair enough?
The 3 girls calm down, after a bit of GRUMBLING.
But today, that teenager is writing
about her Friday-night backseat
adventures on a public blog.
And she's sending the web address
to all her friends...
The class CHUCKLES.
...and she's shopping the material
to all the major New York
publishers, trying to land a
six-figure book deal.
The class LAUGHS LOUDLY.
But does anyone know the main
reason I've been encouraging you
all to start blogs?
Freedom of the press?
Everyone looks at Derek as if he's babbling gibberish.
Derek smiles victoriously. Molly gazes at him with
A famous journalist, A.J. Liebling,
once wrote: "Freedom of the press
is guaranteed only to those who own
one." So, how many of you own
The students GIGGLE a bit, but no hands go up.
Come on, everyone needs their own
printing press. And I can get a
fantastic deal on a used one. Five
thousand dollars. Any takers?
Th... th... that's several
lifetimes of working at the B...
B... Burger Hut.
The rest of the class LAUGHS.
And we wouldn't wish that fate on
our worst enemies, would we? But
what if I said you could get one
for free? Does that sound
Uh-oh. I smell another blog pitch
The class LAUGHS again.
Exactly. If you have a blog, you
can get your message out to nearly
a billion people. That's BILLION,
with a capital B. Billy, what
would you say to a billion people?
I would ask those billion souls to
please help make the world a better
place... (pause) ...by each sending
me a dollar.
The students, and Mr. Heckman, all GROAN.
INT. DARKENED ROOM - THAT EVENING
The shadowy Figure is now using an optical scanner to
upload an image onto a blog. The same razor-sharp
hunting knife is sitting next to the scanner. Blood is
INT. SWEATY PALMS PUBLIC LIBRARY CARREL - MOMENTS LATER
Hey, look - our BackSplash blog now
has a trackback!
Cool - somebody likes our little
contest! Click the link.
It's from a site called
BackslasherBlog. Hm, this image
It looks like that guy's house-fly
tattoo, doesn't it?
Yeah, but it's been transferred
onto pink tissue paper. A little
rough around the edges, perhaps...
Derek turns pale, runs over to the next carrel, and
Derek, what's wrong?
That tattoo image wasn't
transferred onto pink tissue paper.
Yeah, I think BackslasherBlog has
peeled the actual skin off that
poor guy's thingie.
. . .
Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird · return to
blog · return
to synopses · ^